My mental illness.

My mental illness doesn’t define me; but it does stop me. Stops me from talking, feeling, doing, sleeping etc. It stops me from saying things I want or need. It stops me from being nice some times. It stops me from loving people & myself. It stops me from feeling passion. It stops me from showing any type of emotion but anger. I feel sad, but it doesn’t last long before it turns into anger.

To be continued…

Finding; ME.

It’s not easy being honest, not all truths are easy. Especially when it comes to loved ones. People change, grow apart, grow together. Stories don’t always go your way I guess. But your story, should go your way, you’d think right ? So when you realize your story isn’t going in the way you want; you need to make choices; some harder then others; but it’ll be worth it. People may see it as grow; people might think your selfish. WHO CARES, those people aren’t YOU. And YOU run YOUR LIFE. plain and simple.

So finding me, okay. Some of my truths were extra hard; I had people to apologize too; things to let go of; kids to take care of, a household to maintain. Etc obviously BUT you get the point. It’s pretty hard to find myself in the middle of my crazy life that doesn’t stop just because I’m having a mental breakdown about my life. I have had to learn how to be a single mom of two, a stay at home home of you, back to a working mom, I EVEN HOME SCHOOLED, so I was a fucking teacher too. My smart son helped but STILL. Life isn’t easy for me on a regular basis & then to add FEELINGS towards someone else into that; fuck. Seems easy but it’s not; at all.

I have learned a lot about self love; which has helped. I have seen how important I am to people, I have let people go without them even knowing; I have stopped doing certain things for people; I have stopped putting other people before me essentially. If your not my child, my animals or my parents at this point; don’t ask me for shit. I give my 110% to my friends, people I love; just to get 30% back and I’m done feeling bad about turning my life around.

I will NOT feel selfish, or let my anxiety control the fact that I have realized I deserve to be happy too; I have realized the people I will lose on this journey weren’t meant to be here in the first place. I have realized I’m worth it. I’m worth the time and energy I give other people. My kids deserve to see me HAPPY. So I’m fucking doing it. Leave me alone if your going to be negative.

-S

I don’t have a title.

Atleast I didn’t wait three years this time to sit down and write. Ha. Kinda feels like it though. I’m exhausted trying to keep it all together lately. One thing after another. But let’s start from where I felt myself slipping. It was about a year and a half ago; I kicked my boyfriend out, who is the father of my youngest. I put him and myself, our kids. Through hell. But didn’t get help; not the help I needed anyways. Some times passed, and we ended up reconnecting. Which felt magical, until I realized, I still wasn’t okay. MYSELF, personally. Was not okay.

I have SO many issues within myself I need to address, fix. Yet I’ve just ignored them, and focused on work, my kids, my failing relationship. All for it to fail again, why? Because I’m an idiot and still, never got the help I NEEDED. I let my entire world crash in front of me, because I was mad, and couldn’t calm down. I didn’t calm down for months, which is why NOW I am literally drowning, or feels like it anyways.

I never healed, I never took the time to think, fix what was wrong in front of me, I never asked for help. I honestly didn’t think my mental health would fuck everything up for me. But it did, I now, fight with who used to be my best friend everyday, the father of my child. My oldest dad fucked off for me to pick up the pieces. The world shut down so now after 8 years I’m a stay at home mom & I decided to try and date my best friend. When really all I’ve done, is become a monster towards my oldest son.. I am chasing a toddler all the time, I might have ruined a friendship because I let myself down by not taking care of me. I lost the family I thought I’d have forever.

I blame me, for all this time I have been trying to just fix everything around me. But it’s time to fix me, I’ve lost so many people spiralling; and I don’t blame them, I won’t blame them. I have a lot of bridges to rebuild that’s for sure; but I’m starting with me.

-s

#venting

#mentalhealth

#drafts

June. 😞

This is a hard one for me. Especially lately. June is NOT my friend. Actually the opposite. When I was 17, June became one of the hardest months for me. Then when I was 22, it became THE HARDEST month, NOW I am 25 and June AGAIN is a war zone for myself & my family. I’m trying really hard, I mean fucking HARD to just live, you know. Look ahead; not dwell on WHY June is so horrible for me. But I can’t; atleast not yet anyways.

But I’ll explain WHY, and maybe you’ll agree with me. When I was 17, I lost Kenny, Kenny; by blood was my cousin; but by life, he was my brother. My entire life, he was there, no matter what. He had me; so I had him. I can’t remember a time in my life where I couldn’t just call him, go and see him. Make me days better. He was going to be my prom date because my boyfriend cheated on me at the time; but he didn’t make it … Kenny you should be here. This is something I honestly don’t see me getting past. You were so young; you were getting so much better; you were LIVING. I know you didn’t always have it easy; but fuck, doesn’t mean you didn’t need to be here anymore. & yes. I’m still angry about it. Because I KNOW ITS NOT RIGHT. I won’t go into detail; but if you ask me. You were murdered by cop and we have to deal with that for the rest of our lives now. Keep resting in peace. 😭

June 1st 2017; you decided you wanted to die. June 1st you made the decision to have a doctor assisted death; on June 29th. You were scheduled to pass away. I knew for a whole month, I was going to lose you. I lost you everyday for 29 days. After having you as my nana for 22 years. You were going to be gone, how do I deal with that ? I was an angry , sad MESS for an entire month, while also sad over Kenny, STILL. My heart breaks everyday of June for you nana. I know WHY you did it. I UNDERSTAND why you couldn’t live anymore. But that doesn’t mean I like it, or have to get over it. I watched you take your last breathes, I held your hand has you took your very last breathe; you told ME not to be sad; HOW ?! You told me to stay strong! You were still taking care of me until the very last second. For that I’ll forever be grateful. You were a light in my life; now you are a star. I’ll love you forever. Keep resting in paradise my gorgeous angel. 😇

My life now, i recently received some sad news about my cousin; who was one, my step dad. (I know, you probably don’t get it). BUT he is my dads nephew, no relation to my mom; SO with the being said; Jason & my mom we’re married when I was a child; I didn’t know him well until my mom married him; so at first. He was my step dad, my moms new husband; my role model. He loved me, he took care of my mom and I. And even if they didn’t last; he was always my family. Once I got older I understood it better, the confusion was gone; and no matter what Jay was my family; but now he’s sick; and they don’t know if he will make it too his birthday; which is June 30th. Which means I would lose ANOTHER person I fucking love in this HORRIBLE HELL HOLE of a month. And it’s killing me. Fuck you cancer.

I have lost A LOT of family, people I love; friends. And when I say lost, I mean lost in the way they are never physically coming back; I don’t handle death well; and you’d think I would. I clearly don’t get over things; well.

– S

Growth. 🌙

In every way I am growing. As a person , as a women , as a mother , as a lover & a friend. I have grown into someone I never thought I’d know. Someone I like! I like myself, within myself, I love her. WOW, fuck. I love myself. IMAGINE THAT. I said it, I am not taking it back nor letting ANYONE take it from me again. I WILL be selfish, so I’m not sorry, just In advance because it’s time for me to be happy now. & NOT feel bad about it.

My world crumbled, it’s been broken; but I found the pieces, added some super glue & I am me. New and improved. New support system, real friends, my family has never been so strong. I caught my break.

I’ve never been one to care about other opinions, so me saying; I don’t care what other people think isn’t really valid. But I have always put others first, before myself. Even before being a mom; for people I really shouldn’t have. So when I say I don’t care about what anyone else thinks, I mean I don’t care if people get hurt, or hate me for finally PUTTING MYSELF FIRST. People like to assume, that’s something I will never argue about because I’m going to sound as stupid as the person assuming shit; just really isn’t worth it too me ya know ?

I am leaving the negativity, the abuse I have endured, all of the ugly I have seen, heard & been put through, all of the lies & broken promises behind me; for good. Everything happens for a reason; I’ll forever believe that.

Have patience; I promise there is light at the end of the tunnel. Don’t be afraid of growth; and the change that comes with it.

– S

Pushing Forward.

Exactly like the title says; I am pushing forward. Past it all, the good, the bad, the UGLY. I have three drafts, two about certain people, and ONE about my last three months. Non of those will not be published. WHY? Simply because, they do not matter. I vented, and truthfully, I do not think they are worth my damn time, LOL. Sorry, kinda. Nah. I will say, thank you, thank you to the people who tried to bring me down, thank you for all the negativity people have show me, thank you for stalking me, LOL not really but thank you for making me realize people are legit crazy, NO MATTER what you do, even if it is NOTHING, people will go out of their way to hurt you. Ruin things that are out of their control. OH WELL. All I have to say is thank you.

I am naturally a smart ass, sarcastic, but I mean all of those damn thank yous, BECAUSE without even knowing it, you helped me build myself, you helped me come out of a dark place and love myself, you made me see the bad in the world, which made me remember my life with my boys is not that bad, even on the horrible days. I have had so many things happen that should have completely broken me; came close I will not deny that. I was NOT okay for a long time, fuck I still don’t feel 110% like myself, or the version of myself I am growing into; but I know these SHIT last three months has gotten me where I am now, and I now know that I WILL be okay, better then okay.

People lying about normal people, probably sets them back for a while; I am fucking used to it, I don’t post everything for a reason, yet people still make up shit in their OWN heads, IT MUST BE TRUE, and BAM, I am getting called this, that. HAHA. Never gets old, stings for the first couple seconds, words still hurt, true or not. BUT I just laugh now, I will never not attempt something, I am at peace with my past, who I was, what I have been through to become who I am; I grew up years ago, it is a damn shame certain people couldn’t do the same; or maybe they aren’t there yet, young ass boys thinking they are ready to be men, just going around destroying women. It is a sick ass cycle. I have decided to give the fuck up, yup.

I am obviously kidding; LOL, But I really do not mind being on my own, most of the time, yes I have friends, but I mean emotionally alone, I needed to be emotionally alone for a while, still do. Personal reasons at this point, I still have some work to do on myself, which is kind of the point of the caption, I don’t want to post a blog about the bad that has happened lately just to keep re reading it, I don’t want to sit here and me said, or anxious anymore, over stupid fucking people. It is not worth my sanity or my mental health. SAYING NO TO BAD VIBES. I am just trying to make my house pretty, my hair grow, make a garden, teach my kids things that will help them in life, find my happiness again. My friends have been my biggest support system and I wouldn’t have it any other way. through the good, bad and ugly. they are there. For me and my kids. I really have no time to react to peoples bullshit, nor want actually.

I remember this outgoing, adventurous, energetic women. I miss her, but I know she can be better with all of the knowledge and experience she has now.

-S

Home ” not so sweet ” Home

You see all of those ” HOME SWEET HOME ” signs, they are cute; I just wish I could hang one. But this home, isn’t so sweet anymore. It is filled with regrets, unsaid words, not needed said words, horrible actions, now it comes with a stalker & his little elves. I do not feel peace inside of my home anymore, I do not relax, sleeping is rare, smiling INSIDE is hard, I am constantly looking out the window, paranoid. I have had my safe place stolen from me, by an evil selfish person.

Who will see this, and either make a status, send me an email because he is blocked everyone else, message my ex again to try and ruin, I don’t even know what?, make a tik tok about me OR get someone else to torment me. FUN STUFFS. not.

I feel very unsettled all the damn time, every time my phone goes off I tense up, a truck drives by I am pretty much in tears or throwing up, my dogs go nuts because they are so used to the ciaos now. I have letters, emails, texts literally stating what I was doing INSIDE my own house, filled with assumptions and nasty words. I have a BIKE in my damn shed because he decided to fuck with my 6 year olds head.

Amazon has my back thankfully, when it comes to flipping and fixing my house. The look of it anyways, but we all know fixing the body doesn’t fix the motor SO kinda the same thing in the house, the walls LOOK good, paints fresh, everything new. But inside those walls, under the floor boards. Its rotten, filled with all of those things we’ve been trying to ” cover up “, because that will never fix the root of anything. So think about this as your life, from the outside looking in, your life is amazing, that’s what everyone wants other people to think, no one wants to wear their problems. But sadly that is not the case, you can smile while dying on the inside, just like driving with no oil, you can do it, but not for too long with out a literal blow up. And some blow ups break things that can NOT be fixed. So does this make sense? A car won’t run with a nice body, but a blown motor. A house will look good for as long as you keep it up, the minute you stop, it rots. AND if you walk around with a smile on while wanting to cry, YOU WILL one day, breakdown. Three different situations, ONE ending, for each. Everything needs to be taken care of, not just one part of something.

I am stuck on the fact that I NEED to move to feel better, no. That is not the problem, because the problem is PEOPLE, I have just blamed the house instead, but that is wrong of me. Sadly, it is not my houses fault people are evil, and have turned it into, what feels like TO ME, a war zone. Somewhere for people to just drive by for information, somewhere to leave things, UNWANTED things, at all time of the night, a place for arguments, lies & rumors. MY KIDS LIVE HERE, people seem to fucking forget that. They forget that their stupid ass actions affect them. Changes their view on THEIR home as well. Me being scared makes them scared, me being angry at home, well they hate it here too. It has become a cycle, of me trying to fix the shit show I call my life & me not knowing what way is up.

NO one has the right to take your peace away, or should even WANT too, but some people just don’t care, and that is NOT my fault. So from here on out, I don’t. Your assumptions never bothered me, labeling me as a cheater is hilarious because I AM SINGLE and have been since December…. Your friends, gifts, messages. Do not phase me. The easy shit, I have forgotten about, said fuck you. DON’T CARE. But the stalking, having your friends, message me and show up, the constant feeling of being watched. That shit is not okay, you have no right. No one does. And I am not the first, probably not but HOPEFULLY I am the last women you fuck with, and try to destroy. I am not sorry for saying no too you. I her new things about myself everyday because of the lies you have made up, within a MONTH of knowing me. You used my kids and my mental health. You are the biggest kind of monster, and you are just laughing it off right now trying to find the next girl, or someone else to hurt.

*decided to post my angry drafts.

– S

“Just because his moms a moron.”

Words hurt, no matter the situation. Simple, remember that.

I will touch on the caption later on, BUT this blog is regarding words, and what the fuck not to say to someone. People get angry, hurt, happy even and say words they do not mean, that is part of life, we grow into adults and just learn different ways of dealing with or ignoring the “mean” people in the world. BULLY, is the right word but it sounds juvenile to me. Especially when I am referring to grown ass PEOPLE, not children on a play ground. Even though, life is a hell of a lot like recess. People all over the place, watching, judging, TALKING. I always thought growing up would be the BEST, as any child right. But nope, quickly would like to take all of that back, and say to child me ” enjoy it “, I try to tell my son all the time, he thinks the worst thing he is every going to hear is ” no you can not use your ipad right now “, know what I mean? I WISH that was all he had to worry about, thankfully he hasn’t met a “bully” at school who has sent him home crying because of mean words. He has such an innocent mind, I hate thinking about him in the real world, seeing the evil in people like I have over the years. Scares the shit out of me, for Ry too.

You can’t tell me you have NO regrets, and have always said the right things. Because its not possible, emotions are NORMAL, letting them control you, not normal. Using your emotions as excuses for the words you use, not okay. Destroying people, is NOT okay, simple. But when it is for your own selfish reasons, thats worse, and simply inhuman. I have had MANY people try to destroy me, with words, actions, lies. YOU TELL ME. But that does not mean I am going to go out and ruin someones life; or theirs really. Two wrongs don’t make a right, right? Yes one angry person can cause more angry people, but it doesn’t HAVE too. Yes, someone can do horrible things to you, does it mean you need to stoop to their level? heck no. Do you want too though? HELL FUCKING YES, But “revenge” literally gets you no where. OKAY FINE, you feel REALLY good for about a half a second, and then you go ‘ shit ‘. ( unless you are someone I know and you literally feel nothing and continue to stalk ME ).

Do you think words are worse during a fight between best friends? breakups? or between kids & parents? ( I really don’t care about street or bar fights so i’m not mentioning them BTW ). SO, my answer is, now being a parent, Kids and parents get nasty, AS ALL HELL, and it hurts, A LOT. That is your BLOOD, your family, a piece of your heart. Things start to get heated, and words fly. Because parents are children’s safe places, they have no filter, as they shouldn’t NEED one, kids get nasty. WITH OUT meaning too, remember that. My oldest is almost 7, he tells me he hates me when I say no to riding his bike in the snow, I know he doesn’t mean it, he is sorry right away, but IT HURTS, it stings for a couple days. Makes me question, wonder, think about where and how I can be better. It really is a constant struggle between being his friend and having to give him trouble because well I am MOM.

Next, I would say best friends, the secrets, love and trust inside of a friendship causes an explosion when an argument happens. You will not always agree with your friends, their choices. But that’s where the friendship needs to be strong enough; to take the truth, the anger. The parts of life that aren’t all rainbows. Shit happens. LIFE HAPPENS.

Breakups, get so nasty. People forget that they used to love that person; for more reasons then they hate them; I can promise you that. People break up for many reasons; but what is the reason for all of the ugly words ? And why do other people get involved ? Two things I will forever wonder.

*this was in my drafts. I’ll finish it eventually.

– S

Are you a morning person?

I had someone recently ask me this question, it is a loaded one; which is what I told the. LOL. Having a mental illness changes your everyday life, even while you are sleeping. The shitty part about that, is I mean, IF I have a bad dream about people in my life, such as them dying, getting sick, etc; I wake up with a sinking feeling in the gut, IF my kids are hard on me at bed time, I wake up annoyed, IF I toss and turn all night, I wake up tired ( which is everyday ). Some days I hardly eat so, some mornings I wake up super sick from not eating.. It really is a never ending cycle. SO to me, I am not a morning person, fresh off the hop. I fight a lot of things within myself when I first wake up, I struggle to even WANT to get up.

BUT then I hear “MAMA, MAMA” “more baby babble”. My oldest will come running in ” GOODMORNING MAMA”. There is my smile, my purpose, my REASON. The struggle disappears and I am all of a sudden, a morning person, A MOM. Changing her kids for the day, (well one of my kids, the other one is much old enough to do that), making breakfast, letting the doggos out. My day has started, yes I still have that sinking feeling and yes I still feel sick, tired. But I am okay, for my kids, for myself because of my kids.

Anxiety literally runs through every part of me, 24/7, for multiple different reasons. I don’t just have one trigger and that is the hardest part. Randomly, while I am doing anything, it hits me, I go blank, I tense up. I hate the world again, until something snaps me back and I don’t anymore.. I am just trying to say even if I did wake up all bright eyed and happy, my day is still so up and down that it really doesn’t matter. It really does feel like a curse.

The whole reason I wanted to write this, IS because, well people want to get to know me, which is normal, but I feel like I don’t even know me and the version I do know, well just is not worth knowing right now. And a simple question such as ” are you a morning person ” has stuck with me, I do NOT like the way I look in the morning or EVER anymore so that right there stops me from letting people in, stopping them from wanting to know things, ignoring people ( apparently I am really good at that lately ). UGH the constant struggle to talk back or not, to trust people don’t just want to know things to hurt you in the end ( literally happening to me IN MY LIFE NOW ). My kids are nuts in the morning, need lots of attention.

I have anxiety about letting people down, I feel like my kids are MY kids, so it is not up to someone else to do the things the do for them each day, they take up a lot of my time, and as that might not bother me because they are mine, someone else might not be so unbothered by it. So instead of eventually letting someone down because my kids DO come first, their dads are an active part of our lives, which will not change on account of anyone else. I just avoid feelings, I avoid trying to know people back, I avoid people. I am trying to focus on me, on top of my children, homeschooling, potty training, chasing my toddler, teaching both my kids, everyday life in general.

Meeting someone really is last on my list, or probably not even on the damn list. And I am not sorry to the people that CAN”T respect MY wishes.

Modern LOVE.

I think the key to staying in love, is staying grateful. When you have something and someone good, don’t go looking for better. Learn to appreciate what you have. Learn that the best relationships are the ones where you don’t give up on eachother. We are living in a generation where it is easy to move on and give up when things hard. DON”T. Cherish what you have. Appreciate what has been given too you. Be the story that says “we made it, all the way, because we NEVER gave up or walked away from the love we found with eachother.” People make it because they remind themselves, every single day, just how lucky they are.

The problem in this generation is patient, foundation, structure & COMMUNICATION. People need to talk, people need to listen. Relationships should not be built in weeks, you need to know about the person, build a friendship, the foundation follows, your structure will be solid AND at this point the communication should be easy, at this point that other person should be or feel like your person. Time really does matter.

People of the opposite sex being friends is a problem now because loyalty is DEAD, no one trusts anyone. People are on the side lines trying to ruin things using lies, peoples pasts, secrets told in confidence on a good day, but spread on a bad day. People are in competition with people, for people, WHY? Makes no sense too me, you know someone is taken, involved with someone else, Or if they just DO NOT want a relationship. You can not hate someone for that, you can not destroy people because their feelings do not match yours or they have a;ready given their heart to someone else, it is not up to you to try to change or ruin someones life. It is SELFISH, period.

The amount of messages on my phone from people I haven’t amswered, starts off nice, then complements, BUT now I am a whore, bitch, this / THAT because I CHOOSE not to answer them, my personal life is MINE, simple. I pick who knows what, as should everyone else when it comes to their own business. So that being said, and going with my caption, people assume, ALOT. Especially because I am recently single, out of a long relationship, with kids. I am like prime for shit talking, LOL losers, know nothing so they need to make shit up. ANYWAYS, not what this blog is about, just relatable really.

Modern love, is it even real? Can it be? Yes, I am still in love, shit does not just go away, but am I in a relationship with the person I love? no. Because life. Because we let everyone else in, we listened to the wrong people, we forgot why we loved eachother in the first place, the love died, and so did we on the inside, without even realizing it, modern day love, got the best of us. Like i said, above, loyalty is dead, so technically, so is trust, and without trust no foundation can be built and communicating turns into arguments, Sex fades, cuddles GONE, energy and mood turned to nothing. We hated each other, and why? Our own stupidity. But life goes right? or so it should.

Starting over, in this dating generation is suicide, everyone is damaged, broken, guarded. With good reason, but I want no part in it. Loving yourself matters, healing from your traumas is important, letting go of your past is a must, excepting your mistakes ad faults, is step one. You can no go on blaming anyone else, you can not live your life with regrets. Taking the time you need for YOU is step one in starting over but also in life, you need to enjoy your on company, your home, the things that are already in your life.

This blog was supposed to just be a general thing, but I personalized it a little with some a flash back to my relationship dying BECAUSE WE GAVE UP like everyone does these days.

This is just my take on the world of love these days, and I think it sucks, people fucking suck, you literally can’t even have friends or enjoy a peaceful night anymore. People are always in your damn business. And I write in this again, because someone was in my business…. IMAGINE THAT.

Learn how to love yourself, modern day love, NEEDS YOU TO LOVE YOURSELF, you also need to just do it, for you. No one else.

-S