Right here. This is one place I can be myself. Writing. Where it’s all put out there, It all comes out, honesty. When I’m upset, sad, happy or whatever emotion in that second, I can only get it out and understood if I write it. Why? I’ll never know. But since I was little it’s been the same.
So what am I feeling today? I couldn’t tell you. But I do know I feel a bit better today, not completely okay though. I’m not sure I ever will be okay.
Depression is more common than most people think, it’s something people are born with, it’s like cancer. It takes something to set it off. Something as little as a stubbed toe or bad weather. But for me, it took a horrible child hood and a life time of let downs to set it off, but I still tried too ignore it, I still tried to fight through it; alone. Now that I’m older, and wiser ( kinda ) I realize I can’t do it alone, I can’t ignore it. But I don’t know how to stop, I don’t know how to stop pushing people I know care away, I don’t know how to show I’m not as strong as I act. I sit here waiting, waiting for someone to notice, expecting someone to see for themselves. But that’s asking WAY to much, because no one can read minds, no one knows everything about a person on their own. People still need me to open up, but how do I do that? How do I get all my walls down?
It’s not about being stubborn, it’s about training my mind to stay alone. But that doesn’t stop the hurt, it just adds loneliness.
No one deserves to be alone.