My life as a MOM.

I guess I should start from the beginning, since I am a mom of TWO now; that is not where my “mom” story starts, I guess you can say. I became a mom at a young age, some do it sooner; but TO ME, I was young as hell, and if you do it before the age that I was, I am super curious how sane you AREN’T. No offence, but I’m not wrong. ANYWAYS, here we go.

At 18, I found out I was pregnant, now  I was technically still in highschool SO I was on and off with my boyfriend at the time. Skip a year in, I went and got birth control, the shot, called DEPO ( FUCKING USELESS ) but that is what I decided on after trying pills and them just making me sick; I tried the patch AND NOPE. Skip another couple months, I went and got my tonsils removed because I kept getting sick, WHO CARES right? It makes sense I promise, after the surgery the gave me pain med, WOOO, nahhh, they fucked me right up; so SKIP another couple weeks, and well, found out i was pregnant, the pain meds cancelled out my birth control, and DEPO is SHIT. Long story short, 9 months later exactly, I gave birth to a beautiful HUGE 9lbs baby boy. Delivery went well, and health wise, so did my pregnancy. But everything else, my life was crashing right in front of me while my baby grew inside me, waiting to he held by his mom; me. SO back to my highschool comment, i graduated while pregnant, actually ready to pop pregnant, the pictures are WONDERFUL, not. I am the size of my dad; no offense LOL just did NOT look good on me is all. I applied for college while pregnant, etc. I was turning my life around, trying to atleast. Somewhere inbetween all that good, his father left me. Started denying our child was his, wanting nothing to do with me or his baby. Kinda sucked, Kinda built me a back bone, Kinda truly forever broke me. Come the day I went into labor, my dad reached out to my sons father, he showed up for the birth of our son, he saw his son, cried, apologized; ( they are literally twins, from birth, it was obvious ) ANYWAYS, exactly 11 days, he stayed with us, we were a family. Until we weren’t. My world was crushed again, or so I thought. Life went on, I moved out of my parents house, went to college, took him to court. He got his DNA test, had to pay for it. Court ended, I was STILL doing it alone, until one day I wasn’t. Now Carter is almost 7, he is with me, but sees his dad and has a solid relationship, which to any mother, is all she can ask for. Not saying the inbetween wasn’t hard, there are details the internet does not need to know.

I have obviously dated other people, WRONG other people, I have made some stupid mistake and choices trying to find myself, trying to heal, trying to be a mom really. how do you be the right mom ? How do you know if you are doing right by your child ? I struggle with having to be his mom and trying to be his bestfriend, but its exactly that, A DAMN STRUGGLE. I can’t always be nice, and it sucks. Now that I have another child too, its gotten harder; I will touch on that. After.

Being Carters mom for the 5 years before his brother came along, honestly, saved my life. Even through the struggles, tears, rough patches and hardships. That little boy, was my rock. We argue now because he is getting older, its normal I get it, but the bond we had for 5 years, was magical, I LOVE Ryker ( my youngest ), but hell, Carter made me a mom, it was just US for 5 years. It hurts my heart when he gets upset about his brother, or thinks I love his brother more, and I can’t fully get him to understand WHY Ryker needs more attention, he doesn’t remember me doing the same things for him that that age, IT IS REALLY HARD.

When Carter was almost 4, I met Rykers dad. Who I got into a relationship with super fast, and also, got pregnant about 3 weeks into knowing each other. Things moved quick, I hardly knew this man; yet I WANTED to keep his child, I was ready to have another baby regardless; but we made it work, until we couldn’t anymore. BACKTRACK, I was SOSOSO sick my entire pregnancy, I ended up having to stop working at 26 weeks pregnant because I went into early labor due to my job. Ryker was due June 4th; but he has a mind of his own; SO he was born May 15th instead; THANK GOD he was only 6 lbs. That day I was officially a mom of two, beautiful boys. I was happy, overwhelmed, I felt whole.

Life took a bit to get used to when we brought him home, having a crazy 5 year old, and a newborn, well; hard to balance lets just day. But I had help this time, things felt a bit easier that way, I didn’t always need to be 100%. Tyler and I got our own place again, settled in, brought a dog home, life was good. We were a family, a good one it seemed like, but life happened, we split for the first time in 2019; and it was NOT GOOD, on either of our parts, long story short I got him arrested, he was an IDIOT but still. Skip a few months, we started talking again and decided to give it another shot, went well, ups and downs like normal families, but we never dealt with our issues, we never dug deep and fixed the foundation of our family from when we broke up, I never addressed my mental health, he didn’t address his temper. We were toxic for one another and it blew up one day. We blew one day I should say. And then it was over, just like that.

I don’t blame him, I blame me. I ignored so many of my own issues, blamed him for things, said things, did things, fuck I was not a great person. I am not saying he did nothing bad or wrong, but at the end of the day, it was the simplest thing that set me off, and well, that night he was gone, the next day he emptied our house of his things. While I sat in my car, in the driveway, not saying the things I wanted and needed to say to him. Now co parenting is literally impossible because we are both so hurt, so many unsaid needed things, so many things that can’t be taken back. I truly believe we destroyed each other because we were both not okay. Does that make sense? In the end, I hate us both for doing what we did too each other & our kids. But being a parent, is learning everyday. Our kids know we love them, my oldest knows we tried, that is what should matter at the end of the day.

Writing this has me in tears, I am mentally exhausted, from being a mom, a heartbreak, trying to just be okay. I don’t know which one to do first, yes obviously I am a mom first, but if I am not okay, neither are my kids; and trying to find “self love” again, well frankly, IT IS TOUGH. I lost myself along the way, from the beginning to the end of this blog, my mom life started when I was 18, I wasn’t even the women I needed or was going to be yet, but I became what my son needed, day by day, I learned with him, fuck he did most of the work. I worked three jobs, was in college & was all alone, money was never really ” flowing ” but we were always okay. I was growing as a person, while my son grew. Had my second baby at 24, Still NOT the women I want nor need to be. I am a young mom, twice I guess. Postpartum is a bitch, doesn’t go away either by the way. Makes me doubt literally everything I do, am I enough for them? Do they hate me because their dads do? Do they resent me because its ONLY me 90% of the time? Will Ryker be mad at me for not trying harder? Did I try hard ENOUGH? Everyday I wonder, how did I become a single mother of TWO. If you ask both their fathers, they will probably say because shes a whore, bitch, crazy LOL WHO KNOWS at this point really, BUT I have started to believe it and it has hard core stumped me in my mom life and social life. It is sad really, the two men that gave me children, that torn me down the most, hurt me the absolute worst. Is it because we have kids together? Not at all. Owen left me when I was pregnant, BIG WHOOP, I got over that, what I have not gotten over is the FIGHT it still takes for me to get a break, I will never understand why he has more of a right then me to live his life. Carter & Ryker are my LIFE, but to be able to be what they need me to be, I need to be happy, not saying that means I need to be with someone, no. Just means SOMEDAYS it would be nice to have to myself, for myself, a weekend where I don’t need to worry about nap time, or reading a bed time story.

Tyler and I have ALOT of issues, but its the same thing when it comes to Ryker, If I ask for a night off its the end of the world, GOD FOR BID I have ME time. Throws in my face that he can’t just do what he wants because he lives with his mom, GOOD to know that is what is stopping you BY THE WAY, but if I ask for a night off, it is not for dick. Or anything other then alone time because I am TIRED. So tired, I am irritable, bitchy. Just add it onto my mental issues really, since exhaustion can cause mood swings. LOVELY.

I was not expecting this to be this long, SORRY but I am going to end it now, on this note. I LOVE BEING A MOM, their mom. On the hard days too, it is all so worth it, I have two amazing little boys in my corner, who could be more blessed? NO matter what happens, those boys have me, because I am mom, and I make it happen. Forever and always, from the first time I found out I was becoming a mom, my life has been about being the best mom I can be, my hardships have set me back, changed me as a person, broken me completely down. But ” I refuse to sink ” as my tattoo says.

 

-S

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