I had someone recently ask me this question, it is a loaded one; which is what I told the. LOL. Having a mental illness changes your everyday life, even while you are sleeping. The shitty part about that, is I mean, IF I have a bad dream about people in my life, such as them dying, getting sick, etc; I wake up with a sinking feeling in the gut, IF my kids are hard on me at bed time, I wake up annoyed, IF I toss and turn all night, I wake up tired ( which is everyday ). Some days I hardly eat so, some mornings I wake up super sick from not eating.. It really is a never ending cycle. SO to me, I am not a morning person, fresh off the hop. I fight a lot of things within myself when I first wake up, I struggle to even WANT to get up.
BUT then I hear “MAMA, MAMA” “more baby babble”. My oldest will come running in ” GOODMORNING MAMA”. There is my smile, my purpose, my REASON. The struggle disappears and I am all of a sudden, a morning person, A MOM. Changing her kids for the day, (well one of my kids, the other one is much old enough to do that), making breakfast, letting the doggos out. My day has started, yes I still have that sinking feeling and yes I still feel sick, tired. But I am okay, for my kids, for myself because of my kids.
Anxiety literally runs through every part of me, 24/7, for multiple different reasons. I don’t just have one trigger and that is the hardest part. Randomly, while I am doing anything, it hits me, I go blank, I tense up. I hate the world again, until something snaps me back and I don’t anymore.. I am just trying to say even if I did wake up all bright eyed and happy, my day is still so up and down that it really doesn’t matter. It really does feel like a curse.
The whole reason I wanted to write this, IS because, well people want to get to know me, which is normal, but I feel like I don’t even know me and the version I do know, well just is not worth knowing right now. And a simple question such as ” are you a morning person ” has stuck with me, I do NOT like the way I look in the morning or EVER anymore so that right there stops me from letting people in, stopping them from wanting to know things, ignoring people ( apparently I am really good at that lately ). UGH the constant struggle to talk back or not, to trust people don’t just want to know things to hurt you in the end ( literally happening to me IN MY LIFE NOW ). My kids are nuts in the morning, need lots of attention.
I have anxiety about letting people down, I feel like my kids are MY kids, so it is not up to someone else to do the things the do for them each day, they take up a lot of my time, and as that might not bother me because they are mine, someone else might not be so unbothered by it. So instead of eventually letting someone down because my kids DO come first, their dads are an active part of our lives, which will not change on account of anyone else. I just avoid feelings, I avoid trying to know people back, I avoid people. I am trying to focus on me, on top of my children, homeschooling, potty training, chasing my toddler, teaching both my kids, everyday life in general.
Meeting someone really is last on my list, or probably not even on the damn list. And I am not sorry to the people that CAN”T respect MY wishes.