June. 😞

This is a hard one for me. Especially lately. June is NOT my friend. Actually the opposite. When I was 17, June became one of the hardest months for me. Then when I was 22, it became THE HARDEST month, NOW I am 25 and June AGAIN is a war zone for myself & my family. I’m trying really hard, I mean fucking HARD to just live, you know. Look ahead; not dwell on WHY June is so horrible for me. But I can’t; atleast not yet anyways.

But I’ll explain WHY, and maybe you’ll agree with me. When I was 17, I lost Kenny, Kenny; by blood was my cousin; but by life, he was my brother. My entire life, he was there, no matter what. He had me; so I had him. I can’t remember a time in my life where I couldn’t just call him, go and see him. Make me days better. He was going to be my prom date because my boyfriend cheated on me at the time; but he didn’t make it … Kenny you should be here. This is something I honestly don’t see me getting past. You were so young; you were getting so much better; you were LIVING. I know you didn’t always have it easy; but fuck, doesn’t mean you didn’t need to be here anymore. & yes. I’m still angry about it. Because I KNOW ITS NOT RIGHT. I won’t go into detail; but if you ask me. You were murdered by cop and we have to deal with that for the rest of our lives now. Keep resting in peace. 😭

June 1st 2017; you decided you wanted to die. June 1st you made the decision to have a doctor assisted death; on June 29th. You were scheduled to pass away. I knew for a whole month, I was going to lose you. I lost you everyday for 29 days. After having you as my nana for 22 years. You were going to be gone, how do I deal with that ? I was an angry , sad MESS for an entire month, while also sad over Kenny, STILL. My heart breaks everyday of June for you nana. I know WHY you did it. I UNDERSTAND why you couldn’t live anymore. But that doesn’t mean I like it, or have to get over it. I watched you take your last breathes, I held your hand has you took your very last breathe; you told ME not to be sad; HOW ?! You told me to stay strong! You were still taking care of me until the very last second. For that I’ll forever be grateful. You were a light in my life; now you are a star. I’ll love you forever. Keep resting in paradise my gorgeous angel. 😇

My life now, i recently received some sad news about my cousin; who was one, my step dad. (I know, you probably don’t get it). BUT he is my dads nephew, no relation to my mom; SO with the being said; Jason & my mom we’re married when I was a child; I didn’t know him well until my mom married him; so at first. He was my step dad, my moms new husband; my role model. He loved me, he took care of my mom and I. And even if they didn’t last; he was always my family. Once I got older I understood it better, the confusion was gone; and no matter what Jay was my family; but now he’s sick; and they don’t know if he will make it too his birthday; which is June 30th. Which means I would lose ANOTHER person I fucking love in this HORRIBLE HELL HOLE of a month. And it’s killing me. Fuck you cancer.

I have lost A LOT of family, people I love; friends. And when I say lost, I mean lost in the way they are never physically coming back; I don’t handle death well; and you’d think I would. I clearly don’t get over things; well.

– S

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