Atleast I didn’t wait three years this time to sit down and write. Ha. Kinda feels like it though. I’m exhausted trying to keep it all together lately. One thing after another. But let’s start from where I felt myself slipping. It was about a year and a half ago; I kicked my boyfriend out, who is the father of my youngest. I put him and myself, our kids. Through hell. But didn’t get help; not the help I needed anyways. Some times passed, and we ended up reconnecting. Which felt magical, until I realized, I still wasn’t okay. MYSELF, personally. Was not okay.
I have SO many issues within myself I need to address, fix. Yet I’ve just ignored them, and focused on work, my kids, my failing relationship. All for it to fail again, why? Because I’m an idiot and still, never got the help I NEEDED. I let my entire world crash in front of me, because I was mad, and couldn’t calm down. I didn’t calm down for months, which is why NOW I am literally drowning, or feels like it anyways.
I never healed, I never took the time to think, fix what was wrong in front of me, I never asked for help. I honestly didn’t think my mental health would fuck everything up for me. But it did, I now, fight with who used to be my best friend everyday, the father of my child. My oldest dad fucked off for me to pick up the pieces. The world shut down so now after 8 years I’m a stay at home mom & I decided to try and date my best friend. When really all I’ve done, is become a monster towards my oldest son.. I am chasing a toddler all the time, I might have ruined a friendship because I let myself down by not taking care of me. I lost the family I thought I’d have forever.
I blame me, for all this time I have been trying to just fix everything around me. But it’s time to fix me, I’ve lost so many people spiralling; and I don’t blame them, I won’t blame them. I have a lot of bridges to rebuild that’s for sure; but I’m starting with me.